Let Go, My Soul

Christmas is just around the corner, which means that next week, I am off to the great state of Texas for some much-needed time with my family and friends.  There’s so much I love about being home, but one thing I always have to brace myself for.  You single people know what I’m talking about.  It’s the annual barrage of questions – ranging from hilarious (“Honey, are you sure you’re attracted to men?”) to disturbingly inappropriate (“Don’t you want to freeze your eggs?”).  To be fair, my family is wonderful and this blog is not about them.  No, it’s usually the casual acquaintances and/or total strangers that I have to worry about.  I honestly don’t mind it too much, and the askers are usually well-intentioned, but their questions always point to deeper issues that many single people struggle with but rarely talk about.

So here’s a little insight into the world of a single girl in her 30s.  Or at least into my world because it feels a little weird and preachy to throw out general platitudes about singleness. But I suspect that many of you can relate, and I  hope my thoughts and experiences (and a few strategically-placed GIFs to keep it light) are an encouragement to you.

Don’t you want to get married?

If you’d asked me this in my twenties or even a year or two ago, I couldn’t have given you an answer.  It’s weird for a girl who grew up in the land of the teenage bride to admit that she may not want to get married, but I’ve always been unsure.  Marriage terrified me, and that terror has only recently started to subside.  I think the fear is because I know myself too well.  I tend to lose myself in other people.  It’s like this uncontrollable force that causes me to throw aside every desire I have to make sure that everyone around me is happy.  This is often interpreted by men as me really wanting to get married, but it’s actually the opposite.  Marriage always felt like the ultimate black hole where I could potentially lose myself forever.  So instead of, you know, working on my issues, I spent the last decade or so steering clear of anything serious and unwittingly attaching myself to extremely unavailable men.  Because the best thing about unavailable men is that they never want to marry you.  Even now that I think I genuinely want to get married, some of those fears and bad dating habits are still around, so I’m definitely in no race for the altar.

Are you sure you’re putting yourself out there?

Can we all just stop and agree that this is the most obnoxious phrase ever?  How does one even “put themself out there?”  I date.  I actually really enjoy dating for the most part.  We can put a lot of pressure on it, but it’s really just a chance to get to know new and interesting (hopefully!) people.  It’s also a good way to learn a lot about yourself and your preferences.  I go through seasons where I date more frequently, and sometimes I’m not interested in dating at all.  Sometimes I am on multiple dating apps and then I will delete them all and take a breather (because they can be both exhausting and disturbing).  I don’t feel like I should force myself to be “out there” like my life is some sort of quest for a husband.

But you’re so sweet/pretty/funny/etc! (and the unspoken question, which is “so what is wrong with you?”)

Oh, there are so many things wrong with me, trust that.  I am a terribly stubborn know-it-all, for starters.  I have an awful time letting people care for me.  But I don’t think that’s why I’m single.  I know plenty of stubborn know-it-alls who are very happily married. Look, I’m not for everyone.  Sometimes I’m not that into the guys I date but sometimes they’re just not that into me, and that’s okay.  When things don’t work out, that’s not some sort of indictment on my value and worth.

To me, it’s really just as simple as it not being the right time or the right person for me yet.  I hate that so many women (and me on any given day) feel like there is something wrong with them because no one has deemed them “marry-able.”  It’s not even logical and just feeds the lie that marriage is for “special people.”

Are you being too picky?

Probably.  After all, we’re talking about the person I have to hang out with for the rest of my life and I bore easily.  But jokes aside, there can be a fine line between being selective and being unreasonable, and I sometimes flirt with it.  But having standards is nothing to be ashamed of or corrected, especially when it comes to someone’s ability to lead me spiritually.   A lack of godly character or maturity is always a deal breaker, but even when there isn’t a huge red flag, I just think it’s unkind to waste someone’s time. So I try not to string anyone along once I know I’m either not that attracted to them or I don’t see the possibility of a future, even if there is nothing particularly “wrong with them.”

Guys don’t really like independent women.

Well, first of all, this isn’t a question, but thank you for that helpful tip, little old lady at the supermarket.  It’s not altogether untrue.  Many guys are not attracted to strong women.  We all like what we like.  But clearly those guys are not for me, so what do I care?  The fact is that I am independent and sometimes a little too opinionated.  I need to take ownership of that where it becomes sinful or overbearing, and I for sure need to work on letting other people care for me.  But in general, these are not character flaws, just character traits.  Like any other trait, some people will dig it and some won’t.  I mean, I wouldn’t try to make myself shorter for a guy who’s not into tall women, I would just find a guy who is.  The men in my life that I love the most are confident enough to celebrate my independence, challenge me, and put me in my place on a regular basis.  That’s the kind of man I want to be with someday.  Not someone who is threatened by my strong personality.

Another form of this that I hear a lot in Christian circles is that strong-willed women are incapable of submission.  I think this is wildly untrue and pretty misogynistic.  The type of submission they are referring to is explicitly defined in scripture as a wife submitting to her husband (who has some expectations put on him as well, as you’ll see below).  It’s not to be applied to dating relationships or general interaction between women and men.  So if I don’t feel the need to submit to every guy who tells me how to live my life, that has absolutely no bearing on my ability to be a submissive wife.  I actually really look forward to marriage as described in Ephesians 5:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Ephesians 5:22-33 (ESV)

What about children?

What about them?

Good grief, I’m not in my 60s.  I am perfectly young and healthy and as far as I know, have a perfectly healthy reproductive system.  Which is probably more than you wanted to know, but considering how often I get this question, maybe not.

But there are plenty of women and men who can’t have children for reasons that have nothing to do with their age.  I might be one of them, who knows?  Being able to have my own children is not a guarantee, and certainly not a reason to get married young or rush into a marriage that’s not right.  I’m much more concerned with my future children having an incredible father than whether or not I give birth to them.

I also think about my passion for foster care and adoption and how much I’d love to adopt an older child/teenager one day.  Which is essentially like turning back my biological clock a few years, right? Haha.

Regardless, why would I spend too much time thinking about this at all?  I can’t control it and worrying about it would probably just lead to poor decisions.

There is a powerful spoken word performance called “I Will Wait For You” by an artist named Janette Ikz (video below), and she speaks to this more eloquently than I could:

I will no longer get weighed down,
From so-called friends & family talks,
About the concern for my biological clock
When I serve the Author of Time.
Who is not subject to time, but I’m subject to him.

 

 

Aren’t you lonely and unhappy?

Sometimes, sure.  But aren’t all of you?  One of my married friends once told me that the loneliest time of her life was her first year of marriage.  She thought that finally, there was one person who was going to understand her and basically complete her.  But when she realized that her husband was never going to perfectly fulfill that expectation (because who could?), it was devastating.  I always remember that when I start to believe the lie that marriage is a cure for my loneliness.

Marriage isn’t some sort of reward or prize for a race well run.  If I’m lonely or depressed now, I will bring that into my marriage. Whatever sexual sin I excuse away by saying it will get better when I’m married WON’T GET BETTER WHEN I’M MARRIED.  Marriage is described as a good and beautiful thing by the Lord, but we are setting both single and married people up for failure by pitching it as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

One of my favorite books is “Let Me Be A Woman” by Elisabeth Elliot.  In it, she writes:

Single life may be only a stage of a life’s journey, but even a stage is a gift. God may replace it with another gift, but the receiver accepts His gifts with thanksgiving. This gift for this day. The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived—not always looked forward to as though the “real” living were around the next corner. It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow.

So to answer the question more directly, yes, some days I feel extremely lonely and sad, but most days I am insanely happy and not at all lonely.  My life is far from perfect, but it is full of some really great people that make it hard for me to feel lonely for long.

Do you feel like it’s too late for you?

Ehhh, I’d be lying if I said I never do.  Some days I feel like I missed my window and now any potential dates would be crazy not to just find a younger, hotter version of me.  But, spoiler alert, until we perfect the art of time travel, there is no younger, hotter version of me (and she was a train wreck, trust me).  Just me.  There is no one in the world exactly like me. Scripture tells me that I am unique, fearfully and wonderfully made.  It is an insult to the Father who made me to act like I am damaged goods or not worthy of being loved.

BUT WHAT IF YOU NEVER GET MARRIED??

This one is my favorite, so I saved it for last.  It’s a pretty absurd question, really.  What if I never get married?  I don’t know, what if I get hit by a bus?  What if I win the lottery?  What if a giant gorilla climbs out of my fireplace as I sit and type this blog?

I don’t really like dealing with “what ifs,” but I get the spirit of the question, so I’ll take the bait.  I do think I will get married, so most of the time I don’t really entertain the thought that I won’t.  But every now and then, I have these visions of being a crazy old cat lady that send me into a little bit of a panic.  Good news is I despise cats so there’s no real risk of that.   But I think about what I would do if I am still single in 5 or 10 years.  Will I still see it as a gift?  Or will I grow bitter and feel like God didn’t come through for me?  Am I just cool with trusting him for now because I think I’ll eventually have the ending I desire?

I don’t know for sure, and I can’t waste time on the “what if” game, but if my life up until now is any indication, I know I’ll be alright either way. He’s taken me through much more fiery trials, so what can I do but trust him?

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I do look forward to being married someday.  I hope I’ll be a good wife to a good man.  But I’d be crazy not to enjoy and cherish this season.  Being single is such a small part of who I am, and no more my identity than being married will be someday.  Single friends, don’t make it your identity either.

Oh, and married folks, please be kind to us this holiday season. Let’s leave the awkward questions to my mother’s hairdresser.