Let Go, My Soul

“God is looking for those with whom he can do the impossible, what a pity we plan only the things we can do ourselves.” – A.W. Tozer

I was really struck by something recently as I was reading through Exodus 4.  It’s the passage where Moses is telling the Lord all of the reasons why he is not worthy to be used by him.  Check it out.

But Moses said to the Lord, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?  Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.” But he said, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else.”

Then the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses and he said, “Is there not Aaron, your brother, the Levite? I know that he can speak well. Behold, he is coming out to meet you, and when he sees you, he will be glad in his heart. You shall speak to him and put the words in his mouth, and I will be with your mouth and with his mouth and will teach you both what to do. He shall speak for you to the people, and he shall be your mouth, and you shall be as God to him.”

Exodus 4:10-16

I don’t think I ever thought through the full implications of what happened here.  Moses was so scared and insecure when the Lord told him all of the amazing things he wanted to do through him.  He felt inadequate and he knew there was no way he was capable of the things that were to come.  Even after God assured him that he would  be with him every step of the way, he let his fears consume him.  He begged him to use someone else.

And. He. Did.

God used Aaron to speak to the people instead.  He didn’t need Moses, he wanted him.  Moses let his fears keep him from the incredible work God wanted to do in him.  It didn’t stop God’s ultimate work,  because well, God is God, but Moses did miss out on something huge.

I can’t even begin to count the number of times my insecurity has kept me from an opportunity for me to grow in faith and for God to be glorified.  Whether it’s missing the chance to share the Gospel for fear of rejection, not applying for a job because I feel under-qualified, or being too scared to leave a place or a person he is calling me away from because, well, what if I fail?  I can look back at my life and see it time and time again.  And yet the times I see the Lord most glorified are when he does something in me I could never do “on my own” (which is really an illusion anyway, considering even our natural gifts and talents are from him).  So why am I constantly pursuing things I am already comfortable with and running scared from anything that feels even slightly uncomfortable?  I suspect, like most everything in my life, it comes back to pride, fear of failure, and ultimately wanting the glory for myself.

I so often think of pride and insecurity on opposite ends of a spectrum, but the truth is that they have the same root.  They are both all about us.  They both say to the Lord, “Your work is dependent on my abilities.”  So either we inflate ourselves and believe we can do everything on our own or we are crippled by fear because we know what complete messes we are.  Both are sinful because they fail to put the Lord in his rightful place.  When we can truly grasp who we are in light of who he is, we forget ourselves completely.  We know we can do nothing without his strength and yet we know we can do anything because of his strength in us and his strength alone.  Our own abilities are not a factor.

Tim Keller’s “The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness” is a really quick and great read on this idea.  In fact, if you’ve known me long, I’ve probably given you a copy, haha.  He says it like this:

“Gospel-humility is not needing to think about myself. Not needing to connect things with myself. It is an end to thoughts such as, ‘I’m in this room with these people, does that make me look good? Do I want to be here?’ True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself. In fact, I stop thinking about myself. The freedom of self-forgetfulness. The blessed rest that only self-forgetfulness brings.”

It sucked for Moses that he couldn’t grasp this at the time.  Don’t be discouraged by his story though.  Because yes, he did miss out on this particular thing the Lord wanted to do in him.  But his story wasn’t over there.  God continued to give him opportunities to trust him, to increase his faith, to be bold – and we see throughout the Exodus story that he doesn’t miss those opportunities like he did this one.  He went from not trusting the Lord to speak through him to uttering one of the most beautiful verses in all of Exodus – “If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.” (vs 33:15)  He finally understood that if the Lord went before him, there was nothing to fear.

Oh, praise God, there is hope for me yet.